I wonder sometimes why people feel the need to show off for their exes.  Its funny really when you think about it.  You’ve got that emotion from being in a relationship with someone and then the relationship is over and it doesnt matter if its 3 days or 3 years or 30 years after the “end” and you still want to show them up.  You know show them that your life is better without them… and I wonder…. do people do this because they really feel like their life is better and want to convince the other person???  Or are they trying to convince themselves that they didnt give up something for something that is not as good.  And the other person is busy convincing you that you made a huge mistake and proving that they are SO much better off without you.  Well anyway – had a conversation with my ex today online.  He made sure to send pics of how amazing his new apartment is, how gorgeous his girlfriend is, and how amazing his life is.  And it dawned on me that I’m happy for him, and at the same time I dont care.  I realized that I have little to no interest in where his life is and where it’s going.  And that’s how I knew that my life is just fine the way it is (not that it’s the only way I know )

Maybe its silly, but its nice to have a confirmation occasionally.   Maybe my life isnt perfect, and maybe Scott can be a grump (he really is a grump from time to time).  But, its a good life and I’m glad I chose it over everything else.

So a friend of mine told me she loves my blog. Scott was sitting with me as I read about it and I say to him

“Honey so and so loves my blog. You dont read my blog… why dont you read my blog?”

and he lovingly responds “Why would I read your blog? I LIVE with you.”

To which I respond “But honey I dont tell you everything I’m thinking all the time.”

Now I get an incredulous look from my sweet husband “Uh… yes you do”

Why do I fail so miserably at keeping my house clean? I mean its just the three of us, and the dogs, and the cats…. but still…. Its Saturday again and I”m sitting here with a Dr. Pepper listening to Josh Turner’s “Way down south” and trying to make a headache go away thinking about this. Sigh I love the hubby but I’m afraid he can be a bit of a slob. He’s been updating the electrical in the front room for a couple weeks now and he’s run out of steam. So now every time I walk into our house I’m met with a construction zone that I cannot make disappear. And when I ask him to put all of his tools away and clean everything up he states that he doesnt want to waste an hour pulling everything back out when he wants to work on the electrical again. Sigh…. So I’m settling for keeping the rest of the place clean which is no small task in itself. But you know what? I’ll get over it. Things are a mess because he’s trying to do something that I’ve been asking him to do. He works hard in his own way to make me happy – I just need to remember to keep looking at it that way rather than seeing it as his devious way to drive me completely insane and have me gray before my 30th birthday.

Its a Saturday morning and I’m sitting here with my cup of coffee and Scott is working on the electrical. He’s puttering around fixing this and that and I think I love him The dogs are playing with bones and chasing each other around the house. Connor is down for a nap and there is peace.

So I’m sitting here at my computer and I throw some music on – In my stack is an old Chris Tomlin CD (Arriving) and I think “Wow I havent heard that in a while… I’ll listen to that” And just like that I’m back in the old building at First Christian in the chapel listening to Derek sing these songs for Tuesdays. I remember Adam as a grump (but not really) and Julie bringing whatever was for dinner that night.

I remember feeling so apart and at the same time so a part. I wish now that I’d gone out after the service was over, I wish that I’d met people and had a good time. I wish I’d seen how many people reached out to me. But at the same time I dont want to change a thing. Isnt it funny how a time can just rush back at you? I can see the lights and smell the room, and taste the Dr. Pepper I’m sure I was drinking at the time. I can remember exactly how it felt to walk through the sanctuary to my car. I can feel how cold it was outside and what the upholstery of my car felt like as I sat down to drive away.

Then like waking up I realize I will have the same feelings years from now about the moment I’m in right now. I’ll remember the sound of Tomlin on the stereo, the smell of my coffee, I’ll remember exactly what was on the table around me. I’ll see the toys on the floor, and hear the dogs barking and feel the affection I feel right now for Scott as he hums along with electrical wire in this hands. This is how it feels to know a moment. When God says he knows us this is what he’s talking about.