Oh my gosh.  Can this guy get any cuter?!

My friend Abi sent me a link to Dooce’s page where she contributes to a momversation about vaccines.  It opened the door to a quandary I’ve felt for some time.  I’d like to share it with you all.

I feel a lot like people learn certain things about me and mentally put me into a group of other people “like me.”  I get a designation, or a label and if I stray from it then they feel messed with.  Lately I’ve felt the strain of making sure I keep my labels organized and separate.  But I’m an organic organism constantly growing and changing… how on earth am I supposed to know how to keep things organized.  Or why on earth should I?

- I’m a political conservative who did not vote for Barack Obama.  I believe there are a growing number of people who believe as I do that our country is headed toward socialism in a big way.  I think it’s terrible and I feel powerless to stop it.  That said I also believe that we have a responsibility to care for our poor and provide a quality education for our children.  I think that many democrat or liberal friends of mine have fantastic ideas as to how we can achieve better results in the areas of education and care for our fellow citizens experiencing hard times.

- I’m a born again believer in Jesus Christ.  That said I am heartbroken when fellow believers state that my homosexual friends are on a fast train to hell.  The sin of a homosexual relationship is the same in my mind as my “fellow” believer’s sin of judgment.  Are they both on a fast train to hell?  I hope not, I’ll let God decide that one.  In the meantime I plan on advising them both about how much God desires a fuller richer life for them beyond the things they want for themselves

- I am an animal rights advocate.  I’m also a human rights advocate.  I will save every stray I run across and I seriously would consider beatings or imprisonment for people convicted of animal abuse.  I think they are the animals.  I have 2 dogs and a cat who I love whole heartily and I never see their care as a burden, rather as a small payment for the blessing they are to me.  That said I am disgusted that the care of animals is given more attention in this country than the care for the unborn.  Unborn babies are discarded without a thought in thousands of clinics across our nation while a litter of kittens will receive thousands upon thousands of dollars when they are presented on the news in distress.  People will spend their money and their time and will exhaust themselves with effort to save an animal but see an unborn child as a test subject for research without a second thought.

- I recycle, I’m careful with my resources.  I care about seeing that the planet I pass on to my son is in better shape than the one given to me.  Scott and I use renewable resources as often as we can.  That said I am also an advocate of drilling in ANWAR and anywhere else we can find oil in our country.  I think that we stand a better chance of making the transition to renewable energy if we don’t cut off the only resource that makes this country run.

- Scott and I eat as much organic food as we are able.   We were hoping this year to begin growing much of our own food.  We strive to live a healthy life with as little artificial additions as possible.  That said.  I’m a fast food junkie.  I love me some Wendy’s and (shhh Taco Bell).  Scott loves fried food and chocolate and we have been known to allow Connor to on occasion to eat bad food.

- Connor, our son is not vaccinated.  This is the subject on Dooce that got this all started.  The decision to not vaccinate our child was very difficult for us.  We are not saying never to vaccines, we just are saying no to right now.  I didnt consider that our decision could put other children at risk.  I disagree that it might, but thats so much more than I’m going to write about tonight.  At the same time I depend a lot on Western Medicine,  and natural remedies.  We dont fall back on one or the other we use them both.

- We are gun owners.  But over the last year or so I’ve been learning a lot about pacifism and I am seeing it a new light as an effective and essential aspect of how we deal with violence in this country.  I’m beginning to see Jesus through the lens of pacifism and it’s altering the way I look at things.

I could go on ( and perhaps I should) but all of that is just to say that there is no one way of looking at things.  I get so tired of being placed in a category, of being labeled.  I love listening to Rush Limbaugh and Rob Bell (often on the same day).  Does that make me a right wing fascist or a weak minded liberal?  I’m not sure.  So please please please as you look at me dont see a single position I take and judge me as a whole by it.  And dont allow our society with it’s quick judgements and permanent ink labels put you into a category you’re uncomfortable with.  Boundaries my friend are meant to be messed with.   Finding my own way has in many ways helped me appreciate how valuable it is to know yourself and know what you believe in and why.  Maybe people who have drawn such harsh lines should examine what they’ve cut off from their understanding in the process.

Today has been a bad day.  On Wednesday we took our dog Maggie to the vet because she seemed to be having an allergic reaction to something.  There we learned that the swelling we saw were swollen lymphnodes.  They ran a test and discovered that my baby dog has lymphoma.  She’s 4 1/2 years old.  She might see 5 but it’s unlikely.  I cant help but reflect on her 2 years with us.  I was 7 months pregnant when we finally ended our long search for a 2nd dog for our family.  The summit county humane society rep stared at us strangely when I (a very pregnant woman) told them that the breed of dog we were interested in was Rottweiler.  I’ve always loved the breed and new that eventually we would find one  that was perfect for our growing family.  Maggie was all that and much more.  When she first came to us she’d recently healed from a broken leg, shattered from being hit by a car.  Her health problems really haven’t ceased since then.  She’s allergic to grains, pollen, and probably a couple of other things.  She’s had whip worms, skin infections and a variety of frustrations with her health.  But lymphoma has shocked us.

Sitting her typing this post Maggie’s head is on my lap and it’s impossible to imagine her not here.  Looking at her it’s hard to believe she’s frigtening to some.  In all my life I’ve never met a more sweet natured dog.  Kids love her, people in general cant help but snuggle her.  She’s gentle and not very smart.  She’s kind of lazy and loves food with intensity.  She is just a great dog.  I could use a million words to tell stories funny and sad about how she’s touched our lives and made us better.  But somehow all of that escapes me as I sit here struggling to imagine her wasting away.  I look at our other dog Tykei and want to cry at the thought of her facing life without her sister, her best friend.  I feel overwhelmed when I realize that Connor will never remember Maggie.  He wont recall how giddy she made him feel and how eager he was to always hug and give her kisses.   I’m so sad.  As much as I know we’ll cherish and enjoy these last months, as much as I know she is not in pain and has had a good life I feel robbed somehow.  I so much want to have her forever, to give such a sweet animal a long long life of good memories and yummy treats.  But for now I suppose we’ll simply make the best of the time we have.  Oh how I love my Maggie girl.

I’m sitting here at my keyboard a tad overwhelmed.  Actually… a tad is probably not a strong enough word.  My brother left my house approximately 20 minutes ago and I am marinating in the knowledge that I will not see him again in person for well over a year.  That’s a long time.  When I see him again I will be 26.  My son will be 2.5.  I will have been married for nearly 3 years.  Breaking it down further… in a year I may move, have another baby (not if I can help it though).  Given the current economic situation Scott may have the same job, a different job, or no job.  I guess I’m just saying that life feels very unsteady right now.  Unlike many people I know I have grave concerns for the direction our country is heading.  I have a great deal of fear over the money our government is spending (without the voter’s input) in order to buy our way out of a recession.  I fear for the monetary stability of my son’s future.  I feel angry that generations before us made so many sacrifices on my behalf that we are tossing out like garbage.  Rather than absorbing the waste we’ve generated we are delaying the inevitable so our children and grandchildren can shoulder the burden.  It’s all just too much.  And then there is my brother.  Off to serve his country, a country that is offering very little back.  Nothing in comparison to his sacrifice and the sacrifice of my mother who tomorrow morning will hug her son and say “see you in a year, be safe.”  In all I just feel very depressed about it.

And as I sit contemplating this year without Ben’s silly antics, stinky farts, and general nonsense I find myself taking stock of the things I’m spending my time on.  I think the meat of life is summed up in these weeks.  These 10 days we had with him to cram as much memory into them as possible.  The drive not to waste a single second, because suddenly time with him is a rare commodity.  Just like our economic meltdown.  Paying bills off was never so important, being fiscally responsible was never so vital until we realized how close we are to a Banana Republic (if you just think that’s a clothing store please stop reading my blog… go to Wikipedia or something look it up and then come back).  Its an age old question… why do we wait until time is nearly gone to start spending it well?  And while I may resolve from today on to savor every moment I know that’s silly.  It’s in my nature to waste time.  I’m so certain I have so much of it left.  But I can take this moment, and many more like it over the next however many months and pray for my brother.  I can pray for other men and women like him and their families who are cramming memories into every last possible second.  I can try my very best to keep him in the forefront of my mind.  And with him there I can slowly start living life as it needs to be lived.  Worrying less about whether or not my new purse will match my shoes and more about whether or not my life is matching my claimed belief system that every day and every person is precious.

It’s been interesting how God’s been giving me a primer over and over on the basics of life and how to live it.  So often I want to talk about the complicated things and leave the fundamentals alone.  That wont get me anywhere I dont think.  Take a listen to what Paul over at the Chapel had to say about foundations this week.  Its really a great listen.

God’s Requirements

And if you’re interested.  Take a look at a scathing interpretation of all this government waste.  It’s aimed at the PM of Britain, but it applies here in the US as well.

I love Randy Travis. I LOVE country music. I think it is a wildly misunderstood genre. Country music isnt a stupid people genre. Simple ideas about love and relationships, life and living are not simpleton. They are the foundation of the deep layered emotions we feel. And I think Country music soothes those emotions in a way no other music can.
Take American Idol last night. Randy Travis kept talking about telling a story and how you dont rush telling a story. That’s country music. It’s got something important to say about long lost love, or long lasting love. Pain and heartache, or joy and excitement. And Randy is the perfect example of that beautiful sound. Sigh. I just love that man.
So when you want to make fun of my country music consider for a moment whether anything else is telling a heartfelt honest story.

I wrote up a nice long review for this week’s contestants.  But last minute I scrapped the whole thing.  I’m just so meh about it.  Suffice to say I enjoyed the performances, but I dunno… MJ was a bad song choice. Bad bad bad producers.  All that said Id like to let you know that of the top 12 (the 13th was a surprise so it doesnt count) I got 11 guesses right.  Not that I’m tooting my own horn or anything.  But I am really struggling to guess who is going home tonight.  Here’s my best guess.

First… I dont know for sure that 2 are going home.  Idol is playing mind games with us.  Heck.  Maybe no one is going home tonight.  that wouldnt surprise me at all.

If its two then here are the two that are going home.

Anoop and Megan.

This was a tough one but there are my guesses.

the human body is a funny thing.  At it’s peak we as humans can do extaordinary things.  We scale mountains, our voices sing songs that are inspiring, hands can be weapons with amazing force and speed or they can comfort with the softest tenderness.  But sometimes our bodies betray us.  They ravage us with illness and we are left weak as a newborn babe.  In those moments we curse our bodies for their betrayal.  It just so happens I’m cursing my body right now.  It’s a mean spirited merciless torturer who is plaguing me with virus and cold.  The last 2 weeks have been weeks of illness in our house (or the den of sickness as I call it now).  A seemingly endless number of flus, colds, infections, and aches have attacked each member of my little family.  Last week it was just a cold, a little minor cold that Connor was carrying around.  This week it’s an ear infection.  Last week my dog Maggie (yup dogs too) was just a little iritated and achy, this week we discover she has a severe skin infection in her mouth.  Tuesday Scott and Connor had a little stomach bug, but on Thursday I turned it into a roaring 48 our stomach virus that had both Scott and I visiting the ivory palace more times than I care to recall.  Connor’s ear infection has left all of us with little to no sleep as he loudly struggles with the pain and agony of not being able to lie down to sleep.  We’ve been left to cradle his precious form in our arms sitting up at night so he can have relief.  And just as his pain was beginning to fade I’ve picked it up like a champion and claimed it as my own.  This afternoon the tell tale signs of ear infection have been visited on me as well.  Now I too am unable to lie down for relief.  So as everyone else in my precious little family rests from the burden of illness this week, blissfully dreaming away I sit, here at my computer bemoaning my troubles to a (hopefully) eager audience of readers.

After so much frustration with illness these weeks I cant help but reflect on a broader scale the purpose of pain in my life.  There are different types of pain of course, simply put physical and emotional pain.  The pain I’ve had this week has been physical.  But I really do believe that the things we do to heal our physical pain can be useful to our emotional pain as well.  So thinking on that… what do I do for my physical pain to heal it?

1. I take medicine. – It really never fails, when I’m sick I search my cabinets for the medicine I need to be well.  Emotionally we do that too, sometimes we talk it through with a friend, or we spend a day in prayer to heal our wounded heart.  We listen to music that kneads away the pain.  But as with medicine for my physical pain there is medicine for emotional pain that can be deadly.  I shouldnt take a whole bottle of Advil no matter how much my head hurts.  In like manner alcohol, or drugs to drown out our pain can be deadly to our recovery.  We can’t just wipe the whole thing away with excess, medication doens’t work that way.

2. I take it easy. – My dad’s advice to me this week as we’ve worked through illness has been “take your medicine and take it easy.”  He doesnt put it in those words exactly, but that’s his general point.  In addition to medicine we need to rest and allow our bodies to use that extra energy for healing.  Why would we treat emotional pain any differently?  Dealing with emotional pain is draining.  That extra energy has to come from somewhere.  If I dont choose where to let go of things to store up extra energy then I’ll be completely out of control when the energy is drained away from something I care about.  When dealing with emotional pain I choose not to waste energy on things that arent important.  That friend I know who whenever I call her she has gossip and mean rumors and anger toward this person or that person is a drain of my energy.  So I dont call her right now.  That guy who always leans on your for emotional support even though he’s been through damaging relationship after damaging relationship and never learns doesnt need your energy right now.  Choose where you are not going to spend emotional energy, control where you arent sending it or it will be chosen for you.  Dont loose out on the energy you spend loving your family and loving yourself because you didnt have the sense to spend energy wisely.

3. Rely on others – Earlier this year I went through a week very similar to this, but I had pneumonia.  (by the way… that totally stinks)  One of the nicest things about that week was an evening when our friend Maureen brought us homemade chicken noodle soup.  It was a gesture straight from her heart, not requested but not denied. Scott and I loved the soup and loved her all the more for her kindness.  And I am certain that my recovery was quickened by each delicious bowl.  But Maureen would have never brought the soup if I hadnt been vulnerable with the people who love me and shared that I was ill.  When we’re emotionally sick we need the same sort of help.  Share with people who love you that you are not ok.  Let them bless you with caring, and help with the kids, or help with dinner or just a listening ear.  Don’t refuse to acknowledge you’re weakened, why carry the burden alone when you dont have to.  And if you’re one of those people who is convinced no one cares or notices then I would say you’re not making your needs clear enough.  Share your burden, it will make it lighter for you.  And the sooner you recover the sooner you’ll have the energy to return the favor and share their burden down the road.

I’m glad I chatted with you Internets today.  I think my ear is feeling better already.

I just heard Ernest Angley tell me I wont be healed unless I give God a chance. That I wont continue to live if I dont give God a chance.  He’s currently speaking to the people of Cape Town, South Africa.  How nice that Ernest is able to choose who gets to be healed.  Somehow I feel like Ernest is standing as God.  It’s also nice to know that Ernest tells me that there is a promise in the Bible for whatever it is that I need or want.  That’s cool Ernest.  I’d like a couple million dollars and world peace please.  Silly Earnest.

Here it is… American Idol sitting my DVR.  Time to watch and predict who’s going to make it.

I never know what to title this post.  But here we are again with the Idol madness.  My comments will probably be shorter tonight cause I’m not terribly interested today.

Von Smith – Ick.  Never liked him.  He just cant find his place I think.  The song just felt WEIRD.  I dont care if the judges liked him.  He is double ick.

Taylor Vaifanua – Wow…. what key is this supposed to be in?  Ahh the happy chorus.  That’s better.  I like this song, but I feel like she’s just short of what it could be.   On another couple notes.  Cara is ick.  Someone make her go away.  I thought Paula was bad, but this girl is worse.

Alex Wagner -Trugman – First off… why does he have two last names.  And I think it’s weird how he keeps grabbing his chin in the interview.  And now he’s singing.  And not poorly I guess… but is it me or is he completly uncomfortable in his own skin.  He’s weird to listen to… weirder to watch and I’d like him to go away please.

Arianna Afsar – Another 17 year old singing a song that my Mom would like.  I’m wondering if this song picks up.  Apparently not.  Her voice is very pretty.  I keep waiting though for the song to start at the right pace.  Sorry, but not for me I think.

Ju’Not Joynor – Oh a favorite song of mine.  Starting slow.  But he feels like John Legend a little.  But the song is going TOO SLOW.  WAY too SLOW.  His voice is so pretty too.  I want him to do well.  He’s a gorgeous voice.  But I think that wasnt enough.  But hey the judges liked him.  Gosh again I wish Cara would stop talking.  Paula could stop too.  But they all liked him.  Maybe I’m wrong.

Kristen McNamara – Ooooo I love Tracy Chapman.  Good song.  Unlike the rest of the WORLD  I do not like this girl with the blind abandon the rest of the world does.  But I’ll give her this…. she picked a good song.  She’s even singing it well.  I just dont like her.  But who knows?  She might grow on me. Gosh Cara just talks for each one of these things doesnt she.

Nathaniel Marshall – This guy could sing in the coming of Christ and I wouldnt care.  I want him to GO AWAY.  So lets see how he does.  Sigh I hate that he can sing.  But it’s just not enough.  If I close my eyes and pretend he’s someone else then it’s GREAT!  I really love what he did with the song.  But then I remember all the drama and the selfishess and the mean mess of it all.  sigh.  He’s adorable too.  It’s just TOO MUCH DRAMA.  Thank you Simon.

Felicia Barton – This is so so sad that I’ve never heard of this girl.  I hope she takes this one chance and does something with it.  She’s adorable.  She’s doing well.  I just dont think it’s enough.  She can sing it though.  I just feel like the judges know that she wont be coming back.  I like the show so much better when I FF through Cara.

Scott MacIntyre – Oh I love him.  He’s adorable.  I know that he’s better with his instrument.  But look.  He’s awesome.  His voice is pretty and pure.

Kendall Beard – This one’s for the girls?  Really?  Too slow.  I dunno… this girl doesnt inspire anything in me.  I confess I Fast Forwarded through most of this.  She can sing.  But it’s important honey to sing with the band… not 5 beats behind the band.  Gosh why is Cara talking again.  And Paula too?  Snap.

Jorge Nunez – Wow picking some Elton.  I love me some Elton.  I think though this guy should take a latin route.  I think he could really shine at that rather than Elton.  But he’s got some pipes.  Side note.  The video on this song is terrible.  The wipes make me feel weird.  But listen the guy can sing.  I mean really sing.  I like him.  And he’s gorgeous and that doesnt hurt.  I like that Simon is lovin on him.  I need to FF through Cara soon… sigh… all that work.  See she even made Jorge cry.  Love him.

Lil Rounds – I remember that Entertainment Weekly said after all the positive air time Lil Rounds has had she could kill a puppy on stage and still make it through.  I agree with their assesment.  But listen.  I mean it.  LISTEN to that girl!  She’s so far above the rest.  Seriously.  That’s pipes. And I love when the girls talk last so I can just FF through the 2nd half rather than having to stop midway.

SOMEONE PLEASE FIND ANOTHER FEMALE JUDGE WHO DOESNT MAKE ME WANT TO TEAR MY HAIR OUT PLEASE.  show America that woman in the music business can form an articulate sentence.

So who is going through?

Well Duh Lil Rounds

Scott MacIntyre

Jorge Nunez

If I were permitted to pick a 4th I would choose Ju’Not Joyner.

Well well well… 2 outta 3 aint bad. I’d put money though on Giraud coming back in the wild card round.