sleep

I can’t articulate how incredibly messy my house is right now.  I’ve been staring at dirty dishes, food on plates, toys everywhere and general disorder for days now.  But between fish allergy attacks, way too many appointments, and exhaustion I’ve done nothing about it.  For the last 4 weeks I’ve been sleeping between 2 and 4 hours each night.  It’s been horrible.  I slept more when Connor was a newborn for heaven’s sake!  The last 2 weeks have been the worst, my body just isn’t compensating any more.  And in a daze last night as I was standing in my kitchen with a glass of warm milk (I’ve been trying all sorts of silly things, but warm milk is by far the grossest tasting) it dawned on me that I’ve been beating myself up for not getting anything done for no good reason.  If Scott were in my place I would make every excuse in the world for him.  I mean sleep is important!  So why am I holding myself to such an unachievable standard?  Because I’m an idiot that’s why.  I’m so obsessed with the pin-up momma (the new name I have for the imagined perfect Mom out there that we’re all torturing ourselves with… will blog on that soon) I’ve forgotten that she cannot possibly exist!  I want so badly to live a disciplined life, but I need to finally accept that when I fair sometimes its because I’m lazy, but other times its because something is wrong.  My lack of sleep is a problem.  The house can wait, my kiddo needs his mom to be awake and lucid.

And I need to stop beating myself up for not performing at 100% when I’ve only got enough fuel for 10%.  And that applies to all of you too!

Please for the love of all that is holy stop whipping yourselves with what you haven’t achieved.  Keep striving, keep working, but stop all the useless achieving when there is a larger issue staring you in the face.  If you baby wont sleep and keeps you awake accept that you wont be able to accomplish all you wanted to do!  The critics be damned!  If you’re attempting to move your family from one state to another stop apologizing for the disorder around you!  If you have no money stop killing yourself that things in your home are worn.  It makes sense that they would be!  Feeding your kids is priority 1!  So many women I know are dealing with these situations, where they are working so hard and not achieving the results they want, but they refuse to allow real life issues to be an excuse for them.  But when I complain about what I’m failing in these same women RUSH to my defense!  They point out every little thing that is holding me back and they do their very best to relieve the pressure I’m under.  I just wish they would give themselves the same break.  I say all of this to be an encouragement, I think ladies that’s what we need the most… permission to fail from time to time.  That’s not to say however that I now have a free pass to watch soaps and eat bon bons all day.  I’ll be finishing up my cup of tea and engaging myself in the task at hand.  But, if after all that striving I’m not finished I am committed to finding contentment in what I have accomplished.  Knowing I’ve done my best and leaving it at that.  And resting easy tonight in the satisfaction of a job well done (even if its not a job complete).  Who knows?  It might let me drift off to dream of sparkling countertops and disinfected immaculate refridgerators.