soul talk

Last month was March (I know big shocker). But what didnt dawn on me until now is that Scott and I have been together for over 2 years. Actually our anniversary is this Thursday (bigger shocker). If you had told me 2 years ago I’d be married to my friend Scott, that we would get preggo before we were married, have a baby boy, that I would no longer have my video job, but I’d be working for a church I’d only kind heard of. If you’d told me while I was preggo I would do a handful of months as a telemarketer, get a Rottweiler, and learn to actually like my mother-in-law I would have run screaming in the other direction. So here I sit at our kitchen table – a bag of goldfish to my right (my husbands), to the left a diaper bag overflowing with toys and Gerber Graduates finger foods (sweet potato and banana), and Maggie our Rotti sleeping on my feet. Its hard for me to wrap my head around everything that’s happened in such a short period of time. When Scott and I started dating I knew it was going to be something big, but it never really sunk in even when we were engaged that we were actually going to get married. I dont think I even really knew what marriage to Scott would mean. And even now watching him fill his water bottle and get ready for bed I almost cant believe we’re married and this is forever. But at the same time I can already see us old together telling stories of our first years to anyone who will listen.

Its so easy to focus all my attention and emotion on my little family. But over the last few days I’ve been struggling with taking an honest look at myself. I mean who am I now? Well, I’m Mrs. MacPherson, and I’m mom, I’m the director of video at the Green Campus for The Chapel. But that’s just my name, and my child, and my job. But if you take all that away who am I? Well I’m a person who has a few very close friends who I really love. I like crafts – you know silly stuff like crochet and scrapbooking. I love my dogs and I enjoy working with them to achieve something. But all that is exterior really isnt it. I mean my friends are great, but they are they and your friends dont define you. And being crafty is great, but its just a thing I do. And pets are nice, but they are hardly my definition. So when you strip away my title, my responsibility, my job, my friends, my hobbies, and my companions what are you left with? Well I’m tired, I’m hurt and angry, I’m self conscious, I’m afraid, I’m unsure, I’m cynical, I’m apathetic. But those are emotions arent they, just a reflection of how I feel at the moment, but they arent who I am.

See people are always telling you about themselves, describing themselves with these kinds of things. I’m a runner, or I’m a pastor, or I’m a mom, or I’m a serial killer. I mean all of those things are descriptive, but they all have to stem from something. If you strip away the emotion what are you left with?

Just a soul I guess. I’m a soul. Because when its all over its just me and my soul, which I guess are the same thing. But what is my soul then? Because I love my husband and my son, but they can only go as deep as my emotions. I’d die for either one of them, but that doesnt mean they are my soul. I love my friends but there you go emotions only again. My job certainly isnt my soul, and my hobbies and pets are really just an extra outlet for those emotion things.

So here I sit, just me and my soul. And I have to wonder, if it takes that much work to pay attention to it what kind of shape is it in? I mean the soul is the core, and if the core is in bad shape the rest of the apple aint doin so good either. But here comes the tricky part. Because I come from Christianland. And in Christianland if you’re a Christfollower your soul should be taken care of. Bought and paid for with the blood of Christ you know. Your soul is washed shiny new with that baptism water and go and sin no more. So here’s a packet with a list of serving opportunities – sign up next week after you’ve prayed over it and we’ll get you started saving all those poor sinners out there who dont have their lives together like you and I do. Because we’re Christians and our souls are in that lockbox marked for heaven, but everyone else’s still needs loving care and attention to get them on the right track so they can start being door greeters like you and me.

So about 5 seconds after drying off from my baptism I was whisked away into the video ministry where I spent the next 10 years doing hard time. Now no one made me do this mind you, it was just a natural progression of things. But my soul was left with the towel wondering where the heck I went. After I got “saved” I really never paid any more attention to my poor soul. Cause its ok for saved people to have problems you know like, wanting to love Jesus more, or forgiving a friend who hurt you (usually an “unsaved” friend), learning to love your parents more, and hurting for the poor and helpless in the world. What I wasnt able to say (or just didnt have the guts to say) was how fake I felt, and how little I understood my new faith, or how much I was starting to disdain the church. I grew up in it for heaven’s sake…. I knew what was expected of me, and everyone knew that I knew, so they figured I was covered. Christians love to hear in church the testimony of other Christians who fell off the wagon and are back on it now. They do not like to hear about how you fell off the wagon and oh by the way you’re still off the wagon a little hand here…. no, that’s not the idea. So like I said about 5 seconds after I dried off, I fell off the wagon and nobody ever noticed. You would think they would have (you know with me sinning left and right you know) but they didnt. So now 10 or so years later I’ve picked my soul back up (and I’ll tell you she was ticked that I left her standing outside that baptistery for so long) and we’re going to have a long talk about how to get her patched up again. Its the how that’s the tricky part.